Mark Buxton, Neil Coles & Jason Patient take a break at Elsdon Cyclists Café during a 100+ miles ride around the Cheviots.
Last update 22nd May 2000.

Visitors since 21st June...Hit Counter Applet Dysfuntional

As a discerning cyclist from a select group of individually minded individuals you have been specially selected to be invited to take part in an enlightening and stimulating literary experience.

“Byke Kultuur Never,” is an editorially led web-based magazine with lots of artistic white space, artistic grey space for Netscape users. It will be published once or twice a year, or whenever I feel like updating it.

“Byke Kultuur Never,” will accept no advertising in order to protect our independent status and because no-one will pay for advertising in a magazine published as irregularly as,

Inside this issue of BKN.

A special offer from Closed Road.

Subscriptions (this is in fact a joke, actually so was the special offer above).

Cycle Celebrity look-alike kits!! be the envy of you're friends and complete strangers.

Cycling Events

Stuff I've used

Interesting New Toys .

Interesting Chain links (honest).

Some photos from holidays and stuff.


Caption Competition

Sixteen stone, six feet something Séamus King’s boring April Fools Day revelation.

Editor-in-Chief; Séamus D. King.
Contributing Editor; Somebody Else.
HTML Editor; Séamus D. King.
Photographer & roving reporter; Séamus D. King.
Thanks to; Steve Andrews, Peter Eland, Jason Patient, Tom Mason and A.N. Other

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Cycling Events

  • The premier cycling event of the year CycleFest 2000 is the place for anyone interested in cycling no matter how extreme their interest.

  • The NEW site for CycleFest 2000 now features a URL that really rolls of the tongue.

  • The other premier cycling event of the year Bike Right has been celebrated in Wooler, Northumberland every November since 1996.

  • You've missed it for this year but Open Road are already planning next years Try-out Show which featured lots of interesting cycles to try out.

  • A new cycling event, Spokesfest in Leicester this summer.

  • Hurrah for the CTC and their usual car extravaganza at York with the, Millenium Festival of Cycling. With more money to spend than ever before they felt quite justified in charging £5 admission to what was described in their own magazine as a free show.

  • 21st June 2000 marks the official opening of the first 5000 miles of the National Cycling Network . See how Sustrans gets the credit for the work of others as they try to ban bicycles from the roads.
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    Caption Competition
    Caption 1
    All I did was stick my pole into his wheel.

    Caption 2
    Mr. Blunketts guide dog fails to see a cyclist.

    Caption 3
    On his last day as a teacher Mr. McGurn finally got one over on young Andrews.

    Caption 4
    Jim thought, the Try-Out Weekend had all gone very well but if only some of the test bikes had lasted a bit longer..

    If you can think of a better caption for this cartoon email the

    Closed Road “Kool?” Belts
    Forget the American studded belts with Harley Davidson motifs, Kool Belts tops the lot. At first glance it looks like an old inner tube but when you notice the valve buckle it dawns on you that they are made out of recycled inner tubes. When we wore these at a recent international trade fair so many people asked what we thought we were doing that we decided to try and flog a limited production run of 50, available only direct from Closed Road.
    These belts are hand made in Birmingham by a machine and utilise genuine Taiwanese inner tubes and realistic fake valves - they even have realistic repair patches on them. What’s more the inner tube rubber is treated with a “Doggie Products Division Alternative Odours” product so that the charateristic odour of rubber is disguised. These belts also feature a Self Adjusting Tension System so you never have to adjust them.
    Kool Belt only: 29 pounds. Kool Belt & trousers: 39 pounds.
    The prices include postage and packaging for all UK orders except where destination is in England, Wales, Scotland or Northern Ireland. All other destinations add 5 pounds except rest of the world deliveries add 10 pounds.ORDER FORM.
  • So much for that spoof, a German outfit Spork Belts make belts out bicycle tyres.

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    Please Note: in spite of BKN being an obvious joke, our legal departmant have advised us to insert T*****e in place of Trycycle for legal reasons.
    Did You Know...cases of libel are only ever brought to court by people with no sense of humour.
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    NEW Cycle Celebrity look-alike kits

    Ever wondered what it must be like to go to a cycling event and be swamped by people wanting you to sign books etc?
    Well now you can find out how that feels by using a Cyclebrity kit
    It's simple, simply choose one of the kits, simply follow the simple instructions, practise the required accent and go to that event!

    1.Josie Dew- wild wig and shorts*
    2. Chris Bordman- comedy nose* *
    3. Jim McGurn- beard and glasses
    4. Hillary Stone- balding head
    5. Miguel Indurain- false grin* * *
    6. Richard Ballantine- goaty beard
    7. Eddy Mercxs- haircut and fat belly* * * *
    8. Cippolinni- illegal shorts with false trouser salami and support car
    9. Phil Ligett- deleted for fear of litigation and microphone
    10. Séamus King- glasses and a large bum bag to be worn under the front of your shirt.
    * kit 1 not suitable for men or women over 5 feet tall
    * * Kit 2 is best used with alcohol to ensure a realist inability to stay on the bike
    * * *Kit 5 not suitable for women or short fat blokes
    * * * *please state if false fat belly is required

    Also available from the makers of
    cyclebrity ....

    The Dope-U-Dope kit

    This clever little kit always puts out a positive dope test, simply select the test you wish to make, take a blood sample, run the test and hey-presto a positive result.
    Imagine how your friends will laugh when they are taken away by race officials and banned for a season and find out it was all down to you and your Dope-U-Dope kit.

    * not to be used on animals, may cause allergic reaction if spilt on skin, store away from sources of heat or ignition, not to be transported by air, if taken internally induce vomiting and seek immediate medical attention.
    Always read the label. keep original packaging, do not reuse empty container, dispose of safely.

    Stuff I've used for at least 6 months

    Porelle Dry socks
  • Keep feet dry.
  • & cold unless inner socks are worn.
  • expensive.
  • take days to dry.
  • particulary after washing.
  • difficult to put on.
  • & even harder to get off ( do not use scissors).

    Thermarest mattress
  • supremely comfortable.
  • insulates from the ground.
  • packs away easily.
  • takes up no more space than a karrimat.
  • expensive (what price a good nights sleep?).
  • weighs more than a karrimat.

    Platypus drinks bottle
  • simple, effective drinks container.
  • cheap.
  • weighs little.
  • versatile.
  • can be rolled up to reduce size as contents are used or to pack away when empty.
  • made of polythene.
  • might puncture unexpectedly (mine haven't).
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    New Toys

    Folding Wineglass
    I saw one of these in the Field & Trek catalogue a few years ago and thought it silly afterall what sort of backpacker would need a wineglass? At the time I wasn't a wine drinker but I am now hence my need. It’s still not an essential bit of kit, a plastic mug does the job but the wineglass is just so much more civilised. Strictly speaking the glass isn’t a folder, the stem screws onto the bowl (?) of the glass in use and screws off to be stored in the bowl when packed. As it’s in two seperate pieces it’s a demountable wine glass. It holds about 250ml and works very well. On the downside, compared to a real glass it feels plasticky but compared to a mug it doesn't. Overall a nice bit of kit worth the £6 it cost.

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    Interesting Chain Links (honest).

  • Issue 1 of Byke Kultuur Never.

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